A night at the ballet

	Tonight i went to the ballet with owow. It was a very modern ballet based on a novel by Pushkin. I liked it. But i have learned just this year that i love going to the ballet. I had never really been until this february and now i'm a great fan. What surprised me even more is that i love modern dance. I know that these texted in entries aren't as good as when i actually sit down to write, but i like that i have found a way to drop a line on weekends without having to take the time to seek out an internet connection. Anyway, i am still not feeling quite myself after my breakdown on tuesday, but i'm sure that i will feel better soon. I just have to make sure that i keep working on school. Soon the semester will be over and then i will have some different pressures to deal with.

I'm dating the parking attendant because I need validation.

Athena is a bad influence, but a very good friend. Who else that I know can call me up and 4 hours later I'm wearing a dress and nice shoes and lipstick drinking apple-tinis in the fabulous Jetset and getting hit on by a lesbian. (Athena claims that she was a lesbian and she was hitting on me, I just figure that she was a woman who was talking to me.) A long night with a slightly hungover morning ensued, but we still made it out to the burbs today to get measured for our dresses for her wedding. (The final choice on the material for mine was a very pretty, wine-colored wool.)

As far as the title goes, I realized that I often get involved in relationships when I become depressed because I crave validation. (Most of the time I think I'm the shit and don't need anyone to tell me so.) Owow came up with the parking attendant joke, but I thought it was pretty good, so I stole it.

	I'm feeling a little better today, at quite a bit on the saucy side. I'm actually restraining myself from taunting people on campus today. It's definitely an improvement, but i would like to think that i'm not usually so mean. Maybe it's just because i'm so overheated. I was cold this morning so i put on wool socks. That was definitely a mistake. I really hope that we don't just skip spring and go straight into summer.

	oh yeah. I finished emma. I liked it. Turns out that i just hadn't read far enough before. Next i'm going to read love in a time of cholera.

Mind fog

Duuhhh

The brain fog has rolled in over the vales and craigs of my mind today and I can't seem to find my way through it. I know that I must have something clever to say, but I can't seem to find it. Maybe I'll trip over it later and post it here for everyone's amusement.

In the meanwhile, I think I'll try to go for a walk and take a shower before I go to acting class. Tonight is game night again with the boys. I still don't know if I'm looking forward to it or not. I'm not accustomed to being in groups lately. I always seem to feel a little out of place.

Stupid wind ruined my bagel.

I didn't feel like posting today at all. It was a bad day.

I woke up at 6:42 (funny how you always remember the exact time when you wake up too early) and thought, "Great. I will wake up at 7:30 when my alarm goes off and it will be a very good day." I went back to sleep and woke up at 9:45. My Vertebrate Paleo class starts at 9:45 and this is the third time in a row that I have missed it for oversleeping. So I cried. Apparently I was distressed enough that I woke Owow up (he is a light sleeper) and he asked if I was ok. After a quick explanation and as much comfort as a groggy roommate can offer without getting out of bed, I felt a little better. Owow is always good at convincing me that I am being too hard on myself. So I wrote my 3 pages that I write every morning and I toasted a bagel and threw a couple slices of swiss cheese on it and headed out the door with just enough time to make it to my next class.

I walked out the front door and then realized that I had parked behind the apartment. As I was walking along the side of the apartment building, the wind blew one of the slices of swiss off of the half bagel it was on and it landed on the sidewalk. My first thought was, "I can still eat that, right?" (It's ok to laugh.) Then as I was trying to dust the dirt off of that slice of cheese (I thought about blowing on it. To sanitize it, you know?), the other half of the bagel blew out of my hand and hit the ground. I picked them both up and tossed them in the garbage and the only thing that I could think was that I can't afford to be wasting a bagel that way. I don't have enough money to buy any more bagels. By the time I walked the 20 feet further to my car I was sobbing.

I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I had to breathe through my fingers to stop hyperventilating. Finally, when I had my breath under control, I called my dad. (I gave up suffering alone and in silence years ago, that way lies madness. Now I call someone. Anyone. I have actually gone through my phonebook when I couldn't immediately get ahold of one of my close friends.) Before even calling him, I had determined that I wasn't about to make it to my second class either.

I have to say, that depression be damned, I am truly blessed. My parents love me way more than I can ever comprehend. Dad's first response was, "You know that you can come back here any time you want." I almost said, "Fuck school." I almost started the car and headed west. Instead, by the time we were done talking, I was resolved to finish this semester, I had permission to use their credit card to buy more bagels, and I just felt better. I felt more normal; I felt understood.

I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know if I'm going to be here in the Twin Cities this summer or if I'm going to go back to SoDak. I just really don't know what I'm doing anymore. But I did have one good thing come out of today: I realized that I am a writer. I go to the page for comfort. I always have, and writing really does make me feel better. When all else feels lost, I can fill page after page after page. And I find that to be amazing and comforting and consistent.

P.S. As an answer to Fram's question: I don't know how much a crown costs. I can ask Owow later, but he's at work right now. The easy way to find out would be to call the U of M dental school; that's where he's getting the work done. It turns out that they didn't give him a crown after all because the student that he got still had to test out on his x-rays, so they just did x-rays. The work they do there is good, it is checked by teachers and generally the dental students are so afraid that you might be in pain that they are very concientious about anasthesia taking effect. The only drawback is that an hour and a half proceedure can take up to 3 or 4 hours there.

Am I in Egypt? Because there's this big river . . .

So I missed yesterday (and if you want to be picky, the day before as well). I just didn't want to go out of my way to find internet access. It was nice outside.

I did go for walks though. I didn't get anything done on my now late Paleo paper, I didn't really do much of anything but walk and journal and talk to Owow. In other words, it was a good weekend. I think I just have to learn how to get the work I have to do every week done during the week.

I keep making the excuse that I don't have time for this and that I don't have time for that, but do you want to know a secret? I haven't worked since March. Not a single shift. I also haven't spent much time on homework. Certainly not enough to justify this claim of "no time" that I keep trying to make. I spend most of my time watching television and procrastinating about what I should be doing. What am I going to do about this? I don't really know. I will be working on it by myself for awhile. It just feels good to get it off of my chest. Coming out of denial always feels good.

I have to go now because Owow needs someone to drive him home from the dental office. He just got a crown put in. King Owow.